The power of a good question cannot be quantified.
Or of a good question-er, for that matter.
Conversely, people who are poor at creating the questions which lead them to the next level, whether that be in a relationship, in their career, or in their business bewilder me. Moreover, As a result of their lack of curiosity, they languish at their current level of (under) functioning.
Questions unlock doors; they open up spaces. When people ask good questions and then listen to the answers, they come away with a new perspective and possible action steps that make their life, or the life of others better. Similarly, You have the opportunity to shift your business into new places which, prior to asking these questions, you might not have even thought about.
Here are two questions which are thought-provoking:
Are you proud of the choices you are making at home?
Are you proud of the choices you are making at work?
These alone can chart your course for the rest of the year.
Or, how about this one:
What do you need today?
You can ask this question of yourself—something rare and difficult to do. However, even more daring and profoundly impacting, what if you ask your closest loved ones? Or your employees? Or your customers?
And don’t let them shrug it off with ‘I don’t know’.
Yet, all too often we stay lodged in our superficial sureness and our schedules, never bothering to venture out into another person’s deeper experience, including our own. As a consequence, we miss incredible opportunities to grow and improve the service we bring to others.
Here is another important question:
What next action will move my business or life forward?
If asked, and action follows, the previous question can absolutely change your life and move your business forward to the next level.
Simply:
Notice good questions.
2. Write them down.
3. And lastly, ask them.
The positive changes they bring about will amazing you.
Resistance cannot be seen, touched, heard or smelled. But it can be felt. We experience it as an energy field radiating from a work in potential. It’s a repelling force. It’s negative. Its aim is
to shove us away, distract us, prevent us from doing our work. – Steven Pressfield.
You know it is there. It pulls against you. It makes your eyelids heavy. It makes your mind wander. It makes you want to check Twitter or Facebook ‘just one more time’ before you get down to what you really need to be doing. It causes you to absentmindedly say, ‘uhm hm’ to your child, who only wants you to look in their eyes and pay attention to them. It makes you hungry for a snack the moment you pick up your paintbrush or sit down with your laptop to write.
Pressfield calls this the Resistance.
I know Resistance. And I hate him.
When I sit down to write, suddenly, I need to check my e-mail. My bathrooms need
to be cleaned. My dog’s toenails need to be clipped. Oh. Have you noticed that something in
the fridge stinks? I should clean that out. It feels like Spring. Perhaps I should get those leaves
raked up. My throat hurts. And, actually, if I pay attention to it, my head hurts too. I start thinking about how little I see my friends now. Maybe I’m a worthless friend. Maybe I suck at life. I could be a better parent, better wife … I am the worst. I probably am not in the best frame of mind to write. Maybe I should wait until later this afternoon when I feel better. And what was I going to write about anyway? It’s not like I have anything of value to say.
Here is where it lands. The Resistance starts out by telling you about all the things you should do instead of this venture you feel called to and it ends up assaulting your personhood – telling you that you have no business doing this thing, because you are deficient, less-than and small.
But wait.
I am not small. I have something to offer. I have something of value to bring. And so do you.
You know how there are things that get your ire up? For some of you, it is competition, for others of you it might be someone telling you to do something. For me, it is when something gets in my way and blocks my goals. That frustrates me INTO action. Nothing galvanizes me more than when someone tells me I can’t do something. And that is what the Resistance is all about. When I recognize it (and for me, that is the issue), I can fight it.
Some things that help me fight well:
1- Knowing what I am using my primary energy for.
Making a choice to narrow it down. I want to be a painter, but this is not the season of my life to do this. Right now, I am focusing on being a coach – on perfecting my coaching skills and helping people overcome their hurdles. There will be other times to paint. I want to do more writing … but it is not my PRIMARY energy. Building my coaching business is my primary (meaningfirst or highest in rank or importance).
What do you want to prioritize? You have to KNOW. It can’t be vague and it can’t be six different things. Because to work on everything is to make progress in almost nothing. Are you focused on being a better parent? Too vague. Try, “I am working on praising him for something every day – seeing the best in him.”
2- Knowing what will help me.
TIME. ACTION. FEEDBACK. REPEAT. I have set aside 1/2 day a week to develop my marketing. That means, I sit my bottom in a chair and I don’t move until something has shown up on my website. Periodically I submit my message to someone who gives me feedback. I revise and do it all over again.
Right now, I have little to show for it, because I’m at the front end of it all. But I have to believe that a consistent application of time and effort will yield results at some point. It has to, because this is the way life works. If you want to get physically fit, you can’t do it once a week – you have be put regular time into it. If you want a better marriage, being engaged on date night only is not going to connect you like it would if you were relationally investing every day.
What will help you do what you are called to do?
3 – Knowing what pulls me away from my goal.
I don’t schedule ANYTHING during my marketing blocks. No doctor’s appointments, no dentists, no grocery shopping. Web work only. No phone calls. Working on the business ONLY. Because I require blocks of time to get into the “zone” and I’m highly distractible. When I get pulled out, it’s hard for me to go back. You may not be that way, this is me I’m talking about.
What pulls YOU away? The internet? Putzing around the house? Letting other people’s stuff become your stuff? I do understand that you probably don’t have the gift of time like I have right now – and up until this year I didn’t have it either. There are seasons where its difficult to even find 5 minutes. But you perhaps don’t need the volume of time I need to accomplish your calling. Each of us is different in the art that we bring.
The real question is – what pulls you away from your art? (and by art, I mean the thing that you do best that you bring to the world). Figure out what hinders your forward movement and don’t just fight it withwill power – come up with a way to actually address and deal with the hindrance.
Another thing that saps my energy and dissuades me is conflict. I cannot access my deep heart when I am upset. I feel this part of me is integral to my creativity and productivity. So I avoid conflictual situations that I can have no bearing on. I stay out of political wrangling. I avoid theological bantering. I’m not interested in being loudly opinionated about anything. I am not saying I don’t have strong convictions – I do. But there is a time and a place where my words and voice accomplish something – I’m all for that. But ineffectual energy, hissing out of my soul like a tire losing air – that is not good use of me. It serves no one and it’s exhausting.
What do you need to curtail in order to focus your energy?
4 – Knowing who has your back.
I need people who remind me that I can do it. People who encourage me and who tell me that they love me. People who are excited about my latest venture and can say, “I see you succeeding” – even when I can’t. Especially when I can’t.
Do you know who your people are? The ones who will gently hold you accountable and who will love you? If you don’t have people like that in your life, the way to acquire them is to start BEING that person for someone else.
5- Knowing who is ultimately in control.
I believe in a God who designed me for something. And when I live out that best
version of me, when I live out God’s breath in me … I am most fully alive and shed positive
light onto what it is to have a relationship with Him.
So I pray.
For insight. For my path to intersect with people smarter and more talented than I am. For strength to fight the Resistance. For love to give to people well with my limited time. For ears to hear Him and a will to respond. For growth and maturity.
I pray for courage to live out the me I was designed to be.
Life is complicated. YOUR life is complicated—there is more than enough stress to fill your day.
Here are 5 ways to reduce your chaos (which actually comes down to five ways to say, ‘no’):
Say “No” to more requests.
Say “Yes” to fewer requests.
Instead of giving an immediate answer when someone asks you to commit to something, say, “Let me think about this, and can I get back with you tomorrow?”
If you accidentally say ‘yes’ (because you were surprised and it was awkward to say ‘no’)— call them back and create a “do-over.” Apologize for making a mistake in saying ‘yes’ when you really needed to say ‘no.’
Utilize the perfect excuse of “I am so sorry, but I have other plans” – even if your plans are to not do whatever the other person is asking you to do.
The bottom line here is that we all get ourselves into trouble, creating stress and drama for ourselves by agreeing to things that we have no business agreeing to. We do it for reasons of false guilt, non-existent willpower, trying to impress the wrong people for the wrong reasons. Often, it is because we are too insecure to set a boundary that helps preserve our well-being.
All forms of saying “no” require practice. But if you do so with respect and confidence, you will see a decrease in your overall stress levels. You will actually be proud of yourself, once you get over the initial discomfort that comes with new boundary setting.
Try it. Once you learn this, you will never look back. I promise.
Did you know the word ‘humility’ has its roots in the word humus, which means ‘earth?’ (As in ‘down to earth’). This curiously, is also one of the root origins for the word ‘human.’ (Pointed out by Madeleine L’Engle, in Walking on Water).
One could argue that best versions of ourselves are seen when we acknowledge that we came from the elements of the earth and will, at some point, return to the soil. Perhaps internalizing this could keep ourselves properly grounded (pun intended)? The tree revels in its height and beauty, the slug enjoys its slippery-ness; all of creation is comfortable in its skin – except us (with the exception of the ‘blessed few’).
Why can’t we be accepting of who we are?
I believe it primarily comes down to our view of ourselves and then how that plays out in our actions. It seems there are two popular extremes – either a poverty or over-valuation of our sense of selves.
On the one end of the spectrum people are focused on their short-comings, refusing to see themselves as having any merit or anything of value. This insecurity is usually manifests in reactivity, posturing, and generally being an energy drain to those around them.
Haven’t you seen the man who acts tough and blustery, macho and testosterone-overloaded? There are the husbands and dads who rule with anger and intimidation. As long as they have control then they don’t have to feel their own inadequacies. The extreme opposite: the man with the limp handshake, the one who won’t make eye contact, who won’t try for fear of failure.
What about the woman who has to control every detail of her husband’s and children’s lives? She too, is afraid – fearful that she is nothing without the clean house and the perfect family, that she is somehow ‘less-than.’
Religious people compare how much service they are doing (or how little sin they are participating in). Non-religious folks look at their philanthropy. In the university setting, you see professors brag about their numbers of publications and their CVs (feeling inadequate to those who have more). Businesses posturing about how much money is made or who they are connected to. Those in lesser jobs use their possessions and vacations as the litmus test for their worth. Comparison is death to healthy acceptance.
The extreme other side of this self-loathing is the Narcissist, who is arrogant and full-of-himself – he really does believe that he is better than all of the rest of you. He is not posing, but is convinced that he is God’s-gift-to-humanity / women. This is a dangerous person, because he does not have the ability to actually see you, your needs or desires. He is only concerned with his agenda.
It’s not just the men who display this loathsome behavior – there are women as well. Snooty, self-absorbed princesses, willing to make the world bow to their whims. It is a sickness.
There is a whole up-and-coming generation of entitled young people who have experienced the world revolving around them. They will “mature” (and I use this word with sarcasm) into people who think it should continue this way. Over-valuation of yourself makes it difficult for others to accept you. It separates you from humanity in a way that is isolating and ultimately, unhealthy.
Few of us demonstrate the extremes of either of these positions, but we all err on one side or the other, failing to find the sweet spot of self-acceptance.
Have you ever asked yourself what it would look like to be truly humble? By this I mean able to hold your giftings, your beauty, your strength – able to live them WELL. Not to get wrapped up in how great you are, but to honestly embody your strengths?
Are you able to grasp that you were created in love, for love, by LOVE, for a purpose, and when you do this, you live like a Masterpiece?
Furthermore, who gets the accolades?
When you think of the Sistine Chapel, yes, you see its greatness, but to whom does the spectacular mural point to?
Michaelangelo, of course.
I’ve never heard anyone speak of how talented the Mona Lisa is – the credit goes to her creator, Leonardo Da Vinci.
Likewise, can you deliberately, volitionally hold your greatness, but live close to the earth, remembering that the credit is not yours? Can I? And in doing so, become more Human?
I just discovered a new blog – a couple of minimalists who are straight shooters and serious about simplifying their lives.
The thing I noticed in reading about simplifying is that stuff weighs us down. Excess poundage, too many clothes, too many items on the wall, too many things in our drawers. I know whenever I do a purge of things in a drawer that I never use, there is a sense of being able to breathe easier.
The last few months, about once a week, I get into my closet and I ask: Is there something I can get rid of today? Usually, I can find one thing. I have a place where I keep these items for about a month to see if I ever regret putting it there … and I never have yet.
We are overloaded with STUFF.
I’m a little bit dreading the holiday season and wondering how I can bless my friends and family with something of value but not just one more thing to gather dust.
It’s not just physical objects that weigh us down. Some of us have more relationships than we can actually nurture. Often, we are trying to change more aspects of us than are possible. Even spiritually, if you focus on too many ideas or habits, you actually achieve none of them.
Less really is more. Remove one thing from your “to do” list, or your “should” category, or your garage … it will give you more energy to focus on what remains. Over time, this gives you distilled space and thought.
