by Miriam | Aug 8, 2014 | Uncategorized
I know there is such a thing as "survivor's guilt" – when everyone dies and you mysteriously don't because … well there's no reason; that's why you feel guilty.
And then there is guilt that comes from actually doing something underhanded or unkind or just plain wrong. You should feel bad. Shame on you.
Then there is the 'false guilt' – where you did NOTHING wrong, but you feel those pangs of miserableness because you were raised in a family where guilt is King. This kind is hard (but not impossible) to outgrow.
What do you call, "I live in America and my life is good and safe and I'm basically happy" guilt?
This is what happens when someone burst my anti-news bubble – with stories of Ebola epidemics where 61% of the people who contract it die. Even those who are offering assistance – good deeds do not grant you immunity. Or moment-by-moment bits of the insanity happening in Iraq. Compared to these two, things like the tsunamis, earthquakes, extreme drought-then-rampant-fires feel like small stuff – yet they are devastating too.
I hear about these world and I start to feel absolutely terrible for those poor people; but I don't want to feel awful, so then I do the net effect of sticking my fingers in my ears and saying, "la la la la la la … I can't hear you," and I force myself not to think about it.
Can someone please absolve me of my "By-some-strange-quirk-of-fate, I-ended-up-with-a-better-life" guilt?
I don't want to be like those emotionally flabby American's in WWII who just turned their heads while the Nazis murdered unchecked. But I have no idea what I can DO that is helpful. And hearing about all this every day is, quite honestly, just traumatizing if you really let yourself feel for these people.
I pray for them – that they can somehow find / see God in their suffering and that help would come. And I pray for me – that I won't get jaded and hard-hearted.
If any of you have any other suggestions, I'm all ears.
by Miriam | Aug 7, 2014 | Uncategorized
When you go into a meeting expecting the worst, and it goes well and you realize you have misjudged those present.
When you go into a situation, thinking it could blow up in your face, and it turns out better than you could have hoped.
When you begin a job or project thinking it will cost twice as much and take twice as long … and it doesn't.
When you spend time with someone, leaning toward disliking them from a first impression, and then you find that, actually, you might quite like them.
I can be cynical at times,
And often I am wrong.
by Miriam | Aug 3, 2014 | Uncategorized
My fondness for Southwest Airlines has been growing of late – yes, I know some people are pretty upset with the delays and such, but I value their flexibility – I like being able to change my itinerary when I need to. It has removed a whole layer of anxiety and stress surrounding purchasing plane tickets. The other day, their newsletter landed in my inbox and in it, they detailed their update of all their cabins, which left them with 43 ACRES of seat leather, which they decided to utilize to make someone else's life better. They gave that leather to micro businesses in Kenya to make shoes and soccer balls for children. If you want to feel like something is going right with our planet, watch this (it's 4 min).
There is a line close to the end of the video where a spokesperson says something to the effect of : 'Businesses feel like that have no choice but to throw away their waste, and that's just not true. You have to dig a little deeper to find a solution, but it is out there.' It made me think of all the ways we tend to feel stuck and think that there are no viable avenues of choice.
We each would do well to acquire the skills of being more creative, of digging deeper. Because there always is another option – you just have to learn how to see it.
by Miriam | Aug 3, 2014 | Uncategorized
Cathexis is the investment of mental or emotional energy in a person, an object, or an idea.
So decathexis taking that energy back. (Thank you Henry Cloud, for this explanation in Necessary Endings).
I have been familiar with the concept, but not the term – at times in life, you have to MOVE ON; and in order to go forward, that means saying good-bye to something else – something that is currently alive for you in some way, but probably should be put to rest.
For example, the kids who do the best in college (emotionally) have to let their high school experience go, and actively invest in their new environment and friendships. Part of what helps a new marriage thrive is that changing of allegiance from parents to new spouse.
It's not just relationships that this concepts plays itself out it. Often, as people engage in new jobs or entrepreneurial exploits, at some point, one can no longer sustain both. In order for the new to succeed, the old has to be curtailed. You give your notice and now put full effort into the new thing.
This concept even holds true with ideas. In order for you to become at peace with the parent who never engaged with you much, you have to let go of the expectation that if you just tried harder, they would come around and give you the love and attention you desire.
If you think of energy as a budget item and you evaluate how it is parceled out … what action, idea, or relationship needs to have its energy allocation withdrawn, so that that impetus can be invested into something new ?
And, oh, by the way, letting go is a form of death. Decathexis always involves grief. And that's an entirely different blog post.
by Miriam | Aug 2, 2014 | Uncategorized
So, I took a bit more than a week off from writing, partly because I was in a location that had no internet for several days, but partly to re-evaluate some things.
Here is a big-time question – to which I would love responses if you choose to do so …
What would you say your daily purpose in life is?
If you are familiar with John Eldredge, he and his folks at Ransomed Heart know their reason for existence: They are seeking to help folks live freely in their relationships with God. They want people to see the Larger Story, and then live from that space – no guilt, no coercion, just love of God, reflected in an expansive and attractive and integrated life.
Seth Godin – everything he seems to say has to do with creating a tribe (a following of like-minded individuals) and shipping something to that group (a product, a message, etc). While he may be more than this, all his writing and speaking can be traced back to these ideas. His tag line on his web page is "Make Something Happen – GO."
Dave Ramsey is all about living financially responsible and free.
These guys all know what they do and why.
I recently became acquainted with blogger Jeff Goins. In one of his posts, he was talking about what makes a Great Story. He concluded that your story had to be, at some level, about someone other than yourself or pursuit of your comfort, lifestyle, ambitions, etc.
As I am precisely in mid-life, the question of purpose is looming large. And, I totally get that it has to be about someone else. Yet, I think the thing I am wrestling with is "how much is enough?"
And, furthermore, WHO is to be the recipient of my "other-focused" energy?
As a mom, who is transitioning from kids at home to kids in college, I am asking this question probably 4 or 5 times a day.
The thing that is interesting to me, is that for 26 years, I have been involved in mentoring young people 10-20 hours a week. For a long time, I have been helping people in a counseling / therapy format 10-15 hours along with the student involvement. So for almost my entire adult life, I have been "helping" other people for large chunks of my waking hours. Yet for some strange reason, it doesn't feel like it counts.
I am wrestling with this notion that unless the recipients are desperate – either terribly poor or immensely handicapped or living in disease-ridden, third-world-ish conditions – it isn't really "helping."
I know something is "messed up" inside my head, and I'm working on it.
I would really like to hear from you guys – why do you do what you do? what is your purpose for being on this planet and how do you integrate that into your daily / hourly life?
