When you don't know the rules, you inadvertently break them. And then someone loses.
In a foreign country.
In a relationship.
In a business transaction.
Sometime the system has enough grace to forgive the loss and sometimes, the loss creates an "I will never do that again" sentiment.
Its called learning the hard way.
If you are trying something new, find someone who knows the rules and can help you.
It makes all the difference.
Things can change in a moment.
One minute, I was planning my afternoon. The next, I was told that there was a gunman at my daughter's school and that he had shot six people. He was apprehended, but for a while, the word was that thier might be a second shooter, so I didn't know how long that "alright" status was going to continue.
My daughter was safe due to the immediate lockdown of all the buildings; however, one young man died and another woman is in surgery even as I write this and four more will bear scars from this day for the rest of their lives. Many of the students who are safe, will none-the-less struggle with some post traumatic stress as a result of this day. And, I'm willing to bet, for many, memories will be cataloged as "before the shooting" and "after the shooting."
These kinds of events are game-changers for anyone who is close enough to them.
I can guarantee not one of those kids is worried about their studies right now. In fact, what I heard is that most of them were out on the grassy commons praying for hours.
While it is pathetic that these types of things happen with such regularity these days, I can say I appreciate how these events immediately force people to re-prioritize.
There were many phone calls between loved ones during the lockdown. And many "I love you's" and some tears (on my end).
Because when life is threatened, you get really clear about what is important to you.
It can make you say horrible things.
It can push you to a place of despair.
It can make you feel so isolated.
Frustrated.
Alone.
I have heard from far too many people of late who are or have been embroiled in hard interpersonal things. They stand their ground because they have been hurt. But usually, when you refuse to come closer, you hurt the other person more and then they hurt you back, yadda, yadda.
An apology goes a long way.
Like : I can see that I have hurt you and I am sorry for causing you pain. Will you forgive me?
What happens next is up to the other person.
Justification : I had every right to do what I did.
Rationalization : I wouldn't have done that if you hadn't done this first.
Minimization : What I did wasn't really that bad (and certainly not as bad as what YOU did).
These are EXCUSES and they allow you to blame the other person and never own your own stuff.
Reconcilliation : I hate this distance between us. Can we work to really listen? I know I hurt you. And I feel terrible about it. Will you accept my apology?
Please, if its a little thing, or a huge thing; just humble yourself and do whatever you can to make things right. There is already so much pain in the world. You don't need to add to it.
I'm talking to all of us here.
My son put a close-valve on the end of one of our hoses so that he could douse a fire in the fire pit and then turn off the flow without going back to the faucet. After he put out the blaze, he closed the valve, essentially stopping the flow on his end, and went into a different part of the yard, forgetting completely that the water was on. When I went out to ask him something, there was water gushing out in all directions from the spaces between the connector and the faucet and hose itself. There was a small lake forming right above his bedroom window (he is in the basement), which the ducks were happily making squishy mud-puddles in.
It reminded me of when people try to bottle up powerful feelings. You can only do it for so long before it leaks out. Sometimes, rather explosively. Other times, a slow trickle. Regardless of how … it leaks.
I had someone comment to me that they saw a roller coaster of emotions flow across my face during specific time frame. I thought I was concealing the conflictedness within me, but apparently, I leak.
Part of me was bummed that I couldn't control that. The other part of me actually felt relieved.
It made me somehow more human.
In the movie "The Incredibles," one of the characters (Violet) has among other things, a spherical force field super power .
I believe each of us also has such a force field – we use it to push back our emotions when things are really stresful. Some people have larger, stronger buble's than others … this comes over time with use – even Violet had to practice!
The thing is, these fields require energy. Sometimes tremendous amounts.
Here is an example … you receive bad news, but also have to go to a social event where it would be inappropriate to share your news. You use the bubble to keep the bad from leaking out into the party. Later, when you get home and "let down" you wonder why you are so fatigued. It was keeping that emotional force field in place.
Another example … you are at a friend's house whose children are little terrors – I experience this a ton at our kids choral events – for some reason, there are always lots of fussing children there. I have to use my emotional bubble to push out their noise and to focus on my child's performances. And also the sphere has to hold in all my irritation. When I get home … you guessed it – I'm trashed.
I used to get down on myself for having such a low tolerance of people or noise or aggravation … and then I started looking at what I was either holding in or keeping out. Usually, it is / was something substantive.
And that takes strength.
When you have to use your Violet Bubble a significant amount of time, be kind to yourself. Conserve where possible. And look for ways to give yourself some spaces where you can "deactivate." You'll thank yourself in the end.