Rain
One day its almost 60 degrees and you're getting a sun tan and then next it is raining / sleeting. Its a pretty bum deal.
Unless you live in the high desert.
And you needed rain.
Gratefulness is a matter of perspective.
Perspective
When artists speak of perspective, they often couple the topic with the term "vanishing point" – this is the place where the object disappears on the horizion of the drawing or painting. The amazing thing about vanishing points is that they can be moved all over the page, depending on where the artist chooses to place the closest part of the object.
When you have conflict with someone, making decisions about if, when and how to address it reminds me of these perspective drawings. If you choose to confront the person while the issue is very close to you, it is possible to make it bigger than it really needs to be. If, however, you wait too long, you approach the vanishing point of the situation – where really, the issue has very little relevance to either them or you; it ceases to be on either of your horizions. Some conflicts can be let go, and really, it is ok. However, often, if things aren't resolved, the next disagreement or hurt will be compounded by the memory of the first. This is why often, you see others over-react. (If you have good self-assessment skills, then you recognize this in yourself).
So where, when, how? Quite the conundrum.
I like to imagine situations like these art exercises … usually, when in the middles of conflict of any emotional weight, I need to 'gain perspective'. This means I need a little distance from the occurence. If I can place myself half way between the foreground and the horizon, I have a good chance of being able to hold THEIR perspective as well. And to stay calm, aproach them with respect and a spirit of restoration.
Misappropriated Energy
So I have this desire to buy something. Now I am not being obtuse in my vagueness as some sort of writer's device. It's not that I have a specific something that I am wanting to purchase; I just want to buy something.
This lack of specificity is my first clue that all is not as it seems.
That, added to the fact that generally, I am not a go-out-and-spend-money-just-for-the-sake-of-spending-it kind of person, tips me off to asking : What is actually going on here?
After surfing several retail sites, while simultaneously doing a soul-check, I realize that I am frustrated and feeling devalued. I have been working hard, spending quite a bit of time and money and effort for the sake of a friend … yet, I feel like I am unseen and unappreciated. This has led to sadness, which then led to longings for chocolate consumption, and then, this latest compulsion to purchase something (which I am not going to do).
What I need to do instead, is have a conversation.
The Fool
An aquaintance of mine has presented me with a life lesson:
When you interact with four different wise people who give you a solid plan, but you don't like it … and then you ask people who don't have their life together at all, but they tell you what you want to hear and then you listen to their advice and take action (to the ultimate detriment of yourself and those you love) …
Well, I don't have much to say about that.
A quote I see often in a library I frequent:
Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom: and with all thy getting get understanding.
May we learn from other's poor choices and not compound them with our own.
Listening to Your Gut
I had a request from someone for something.
Now we are all taught the politeness rules: be generous. Give of your money or time or self if you can. If you can, you really should, you know.
Really?
I don't think necessarily so. Something I have found enormously helpful: If I have even the slightest internal twinge, I buy time by telling the other person something like, "Can I get back with you? I need to check my calendar." (Or with my family, etc,) Now really, I don't- what I actually need is just some time to do a gut check, to find out what my hesitation is.
It takes time to be able to decifer what the stomach angst is saying: Am I nervous? Insecure? Over-extended? Am I opening the door to someone else's chaos? Avoiding something I need to face head on? Do I want to do this?
The answers to these questions matter – because if I say no without knowing why, I risk a recurring pattern of selfishness and if I say yes without understanding, I risk boundary-less-ness and resentment and messes.
The more you practice this, the better you get at it. Me too.
I sat on the request for half a day. I knew actually as soon as I received it that I needed to say no. But I wanted to make sure and I also wanted to decline in a way that was well thought through and gracious. That 12 hours gave me both.
And I feel so good about it. Relieved that I didn't agree to something that could have become very disruptive and emotionally costly and secure in the knowledge that I made the correct choice for the right reason.