by Miriam | Jun 2, 2014 | Uncategorized
In the movie "The Incredibles," one of the characters (Violet) has among other things, a spherical force field super power .
I believe each of us also has such a force field – we use it to push back our emotions when things are really stresful. Some people have larger, stronger buble's than others … this comes over time with use – even Violet had to practice!
The thing is, these fields require energy. Sometimes tremendous amounts.
Here is an example … you receive bad news, but also have to go to a social event where it would be inappropriate to share your news. You use the bubble to keep the bad from leaking out into the party. Later, when you get home and "let down" you wonder why you are so fatigued. It was keeping that emotional force field in place.
Another example … you are at a friend's house whose children are little terrors – I experience this a ton at our kids choral events – for some reason, there are always lots of fussing children there. I have to use my emotional bubble to push out their noise and to focus on my child's performances. And also the sphere has to hold in all my irritation. When I get home … you guessed it – I'm trashed.
I used to get down on myself for having such a low tolerance of people or noise or aggravation … and then I started looking at what I was either holding in or keeping out. Usually, it is / was something substantive.
And that takes strength.
When you have to use your Violet Bubble a significant amount of time, be kind to yourself. Conserve where possible. And look for ways to give yourself some spaces where you can "deactivate." You'll thank yourself in the end.
by Miriam | Jun 1, 2014 | Uncategorized
What happens when you know someone for ten or fifteen or twenty years?
You get to know them through their lifespan.
Babies, who are toddlers, who become children, who become young adults.
Or young college people who get married and have their own children.
Or middle aged people who grow old gracefully (hopefully) before you.
Some things never change. Their smiles. The way their eyes twinkle. Their laughs.
Other things do change. Their impatience. Their ability to hear you better. Their view of you.
I have some cards that say: It takes a long time to grow an old friend.
It is true.
That's what makes them so valuable.
by Miriam | Jun 1, 2014 | Uncategorized
A while ago, some one told me a sad story about how he was in an airport for two or three days and hadn't eaten in at least a day and hadn't taken his medication because he couldn't leave his stuff to get some water (he is disabled and struggles to walk, let alone carry something). He was impassioned as he recounted his plight, detailing his suffering and then shared how God rescued him by having a stranger bring him some water so that he could take his medication. He ended by telling me no matter how much pain he had to endure, God would take care of him. And then he began to rant about how terrible this country / community is and how cruel his wife was to kick him out where he had no where to go.
One might be tempted to feel very sorry for this individual; his pain and distress was real. However, the truth is not exactly as he had described it. I happen to know his wife and her side included an intense and harsh argument between them, where by he left in a fit of rage and was almost totally silent for about three weeks and very cagey about where he was. He didn't stay in hotels, possibly for the expense, but equally possibly because he didn't wish to be found.
When you hear the entirity of this, those feelings of compassion and pity shift. Well, at least they do for me.
I believe a large percentage of the suffering many people experience is self-inflicted. It doesn't make it less painful, but it does make it less noble.
How much pain could we avoid if we learned how to listen, then apologize? Reconcile. Take the other person's perspective …
I think it was amazingly kind that God sent a compassionate individual to bring this man some water. But how cool would it have been if God hadn't had to prod someone to help – what if this man had said to his wife, "This conversation is hurting me. Can we do this differently?" or even if he had said, "I think I have hurt you … lets talk."
- There would have been a different experience for everyone.
by Miriam | May 30, 2014 | Uncategorized
I recently took a flight that normally takes 1 hr 40 min … yet we arrived in 1 hr 13 min. Why? Because the Airport I flew into has an airshow tomorrow and they wanted to practice today, so they requested all incoming flights to come earlier or later, to create an open window where they could run through their moves sans normal air traffic.
I fly a fair amount, and I have to say, this has never happened before, and I'll dare say it doesn't happen often.
But it does illustrate something that is one of my key ideals: JUST ASK.
I can't tell you how many exceptions I have gotten by politely asking for the unusual.
I think at least 50% of the time, the other person grants what I'm requesting, or at least meets me half way in terms of accommodating me.
The thing is, the as you get used to asking , the easier it becomes; in addition, your confidence grows, as does how you present yourself, which generally allows the other person to take your request more seriously.
I say it to my kids all the time: You have not, because you ask not.
(not an original quote. If you're curious as to who said it, Google it!)
by Miriam | May 29, 2014 | Uncategorized
When going on a trip, do you
A) Bring everything … so that you are prepared, so you can help others who don't have "x", love choices, and enjoy bringing much of you to wherever you are going?
or
B) Bring as little as possible, feeling the challenge to use everything you brought and for you less is more?
I fall in the latter category … I tend to pack my bag a week in advance … it sits in the corner of the room and I put stuff in a pile all week and then at some point, weed out whatever I can. I know this will sound absolutely ridiculous, but as often as possible, I travel with a computer bag as my suitcase. Because I am '5 foot nothin' as a tall friend referred to me once … I struggle to reach the overhead compartments on planes and usually, I like to carry on my bag just to save time on the other end. So with a computer bag, I can put it under the seat and I don't have to ask for help.
I'm leaving on a four day trip with two nice evening events. I almost have it all in … I might have to actually carry my computer in hand (!) … but I bet if I work at it, I can get it in too. Right now I have my toiletries bag, a pair of shoes, two pairs of pants, PJs three nice shirt / sweater combos, a cello tuner, music, a book, and underwear, socks, jewelry, etc. And, of course the outfit I am wearing. But I would really like to take my glasses, journal, and fit my computer in it and not burst a zipper.
What to do.
I want to take it all (my version of "all"), yet I also want unencumbered freedom - I loath carrying things – no purse or other carry on … just a present for the person I am going to see (which, humorously is larger than my bag and therefore will have to go up in the bin!! But it's not heavy, so I can do it myself).
This is how life is too. Everything you add in is a weight. However, it usually also brings a blessing. So the question is, does the benefit out weight the cost?
The cost/benefit ratio … that is really what life's choices are about. Our highest values determine what we are willing to pay in terms of costs and what we consider to be benefits.
The real issue is:
Often, we are truly unaware of the costs.
And under / over estimate the benefits.
So … a good life comes from knowing how to accurately determine these.
by Miriam | May 28, 2014 | Uncategorized
What do you do when you are facing a deadline and nothing cyber will work?
Do it again and again and again.
Try the help people, who often are no help.
Try typing in what you think the link might be to circumvent the problem.
Sigh.
Close all open applications to see if they are somehow jinxing you.
Go to the bathroom and hope it will be better when you come back.
Reboot the page.
Try every variation possible.
Sigh again.
What do you do when you don't know what to do?
I love the amazingness of the internet and all that can be done faster, better, etc. But I do not enjoy when what is supposed to work (and now, I believe is my GOD GIVEN RIGHT TO HAVE IT WORK) and no matter what I do, it just wont cooperate with me.
I have found sometimes if you just walk away calmly, later, after the cyber demons have had their laugh at my expense, eventually, they go and hassle someone else and then I am free to do what I need to do.
Like log onto a website that I logged on ten minutes earlier and did just fine, but now they are telling me they do not have my e mail address on file and my password wont work and they just don't like me.
So, I took some time to write this, and now, I'm going to go back and kick some cyber-demon butt.
