So, I have lost my voice.
And can only whisper.
But occasionally,
the softest word can be powerful.
Often, when one's voice is almost silent,
Other's then whisper too.
Entrainment
To draw along with or after oneself
We influence
By our very being
This is how the writing of the blogpost goes:
Early in the morning … I read the blog of a brilliant person I am following. I then feel a) happy to be influenced by someone so much more intelligent than I am; b) feel sad that my IQ can't even stand in this guy's shadow.
Later in the day … after hearing so MANY stories of huge and deep sadness, I am no longer concerned about my lack of mental prowess and now I feel overwhelmed with the sheer volume of people's suffering and wonder, do I really make a difference anyway? It is difficult to be in the presence of pain without alleviating it. One can help, but not deliver others. That's just not in our job description.
Still later in the day … recounted to a friend a small miracle that I got to be a part of recently. Felt like, yes, I actually DO matter and bring good to those around me.
By evening … overwhelmed with the amount of things that are undone and yet to be done … however, I stopped to watch the clouds roll in and cover the mountains. The wind picked up and whipped the heavy fragrance of the blooming trees all around me while cold raindrops plinked on the tin of our ancient barn. Suddenly, the whole day seemed timeless and all those emotions dissapated; almost as if they were whisked away with the oncoming storm.
We humans are so moment-by-moment.
This really was skimming the top of the emotional soup. There was so much more, but it is enough to give the flavor of the thing. It makes me ask the question: why bother with these pesky feelings anyway, when they are so changing and varied and unpredictable? Yet, the good ones seem to be what most of us live for –
Those feelings of being loved, safe, at peace, full of joy, of purpose, etc.
Somehow each of us needs to be able to find and access the Deep Peace; to be anchored by SomeOne Larger than our small selves, because we are tossed about like leaves on the breeze. I think that's what I really spend most of my day doing … it mascarades as "life" - but really …
I am Seeking.
And, actually,
Finding.
I believe at some level, we attract those who are like ourselves …
There is some connective tissue between us – it might be our common desire to save the planet, or the homeless animals. Or the homeless people. It could be our children knit us together through play dates and tears; hand-me-down clothes and swimming lessons. Sometimes it is the working out of our relationships with God – our worship, our prayers, our love. Often times, it is our tears.
There is comfort in the same-ness. It is a coming home, because you are like me.
But our differences …
They are grating, intimidating, annoying, inspiring, exaspirating, dare-I-say-it?-wrong! But, oh-I-wish-I-could-be-like-you.
I recently became reaquainted with this TED talk by Sarah Kay:
http://www.TED.com/playlists/87/spoken_word_fireworkshttp
(the first talk in this list) … If you have 18 minutes and want to be amazed, humbled, drawn in, spun around, blown away …
The thing I kept thinking while I watched this was: What an amazing use of words! What an incredible use of air! What a tremendous use of gesture! And, oh, how different she is from me.
How charming, adoreable, full of life, exuberant, EXPRESSIVE. It made me want to sit in her class and learn how to infuse my words so that others could feel so ignited. Even if you don't want to watch the whole thing, watch the first three minutes, so that you can be drop-jawed at how unique this woman is – and how un-like the rest of us – in such a good way.
Somehow, I think we each have that same (but different) not-like-everyone-else-ness. Sarah has just done a better job of finding hers and living out of her authentic-isms than the rest of us have.
However, I haven't given up on me yet- I'm still working at it.
I watched several people say good bye recently. There were many tears on several faces. Strong, reluctantly shed manly tears. Free-flowing feminine tears.
When someone you care about departs, especially for an unknown length of time, all of a sudden, you are faced with what this person means to you. What they bring to the relationship. What you will lose by virtue of their abscence.
How sad when someone is leaving and your insides are glad. This feels like somewhat of a cosmic tragedy. I reluctantly admit that this is sometimes the case on my end. I breathe a sigh of relief that I no longer have to deal with so-and-so's isms.
As we get older, it is progressively easier to care less about what others think – on some levels, this is probably a good thing – to not be controlled by other people's opinions. But, it also can contribute to rudeness, self-entitilement, and general selfish thoughtlessness. And that makes it pretty easy for others to be greatful when you are not around.
My challenge to me: am I bringing value to my relationships? When I am gone, which side of the scale will tip?
And how about you?
One of my favorite people in history: Leonardo da Vinci –
most likely because of this book: 
which I read probably about 15 years ago.
That, coupled with the lovable characher of Leonardo in Ever After,
and the absolute beauty of his notebooks all in sepia … I was and am captured and enthralled.
One of my life goals: to keep a sketch notebook like his.
While watching a special on Leonardo's thought process … (To which in the first 5 minutes, I immediately stopped the show to write this post) -their opening commentary was:
Perhaps his genius was not all orginating within himself – it is possible that he was influenced by other thinkers of his time.
REALLY? Someone spent money to underscore this for us? Are not ALL of us influenced by the people we surround oursleves with? I think all the time (lamentably) that I never have any original thoughts … I just get so excited about other's thoughts.
Does it only count if it is 100% your own?
If you look at any author, there is always the place, either in the preface, in the text, or in the appendix where credit is given to those whose ideas contributed to the work.
Ex Nihilo means 'out of nothing' – usually used in terms of creation, i.e. God created out of nothing, something. I wonder if this desire for god-like staus – to create out of nothing has anything to do with our fierce desire to be set apart and known for something. I am the person who created "x" or thought of "x" first … Like this somehow validates our existence. I struggle here all the time, feeling like – what do I have to say that hasn't already been said?
You can feel the "ranting" quality of this post … because I'm supremely annoyed that Leonardo's genius is in question just because he utilized group think. The important thing is - what did he DO with his collaborations? He acted. He created. He made beauty. He influenced others.
(And here's the kicker – maybe there were lots of others who were significantly smarter, but did nothing with it. Or didn't record it well, so it's just lost).
Leonardo had the privilege of rubbing shoulders with brilliant minds in a wide range of subjects. He saw those opportunities for the gifts that they were and he LEARNED, ASSIMILATED, ACTED.
Sorry for shouting.
Partly I'm shouting at me – Like 'DO something with the amazing opportunities that I am afforded by virtue of the country I live in, the era I reside in, and my current status in life.'
Partly, I'm just offended that this show decided to take pot-shots at one of my creative heroes.
And,
sigh,
partly, I think I watch too much Netflix and don't do nearly enough creating.
I have been giving some thought to the notion of permission.
There are many expressions of asking for overt permission, usually, from children – can I go to their house? Can I have a party here? Can I have the last piece of pie?
Then there are the internal, hidden forms that we all are aware of – dropping something off at a friend's house; they do not answer the door … am I allowed to just open the door and set it inside? Or even walk in and leave a note on the counter? Or borrow an item from the open garage. For certain friends, that would be totally acceptible, but for others, absolutely not. For those, you don't have the level of relationship that gives you tacit consent.
While generally, people are self aware enough to feel the "lack of permission" space in situations such as mentioned above, there is an interesting situation that takes place with verbal information and / or questions. My observation has been that people tend to live on either end of the spectrum with what they say / ask or dont. There are those who are bold and in-your-face with their opinions, input, advice, etc. They do not realize that, though their intentions are good, their words were uninvited. (And therefore, resented). The other extreme, are those who withhold their insights, usually out of fear, thus robbing the other person of benefit.
If one only knew if they had permission to speak! Because permission is the thing that allows the information or act to seep beyond the surface into the heart and soul of the recipiant.
Further, and really, this is the question:
How does one CREATE permission within the other individual? If you are a person of influence, this is inquiry you should be wrestling with. I know that I am.