by Miriam | Apr 20, 2014 | Uncategorized
You're going along, having a fine day, when all of a sudden, you are emotionally sucker-punched by something. Usually it is someone else you know and care about that has caused this wind-knocked-out-of-you place (that either takes the form of anger, depression, sadness, etc).
Utterly Derailed.
Now what?
Depending on who you are, you will do one of the following:
a) fire off a text or e mail or call that may or may not be helpful
b) watch Netflix shows one after the other until you can't even focus on the screen anymore
c) make cookies and eat the whole bowl of dough and then feel sick
or, perhaps you will do all three in quick succession, like I have sometimes been known to do.
Occaionally (rarely), I can funnel that emotional guck into productive work …
But regardless of which way I might act out of those feelings, I find myself more, of late, becoming curious about the deeper story behind them.
Of course, there is the surface story – he was thoughtless, she misunderstood me, etc. But what is underneath all of it? Is it that I am insecure and therefore reactive? Or am I oblivious and for that reason, I missed something important and now they are reactive? Is this less about the content of the event and more about what is actually going on in the deeper undercurrents?
At the risk of sounding too much like a mom about all this, I am going to step out on a limb and say, generally, something more is going on. Even if all that is happening is that their blood sugar level is plummeting and they need a granola bar before this can be resolved (yes, this is me I am talking about). I have tried really hard, of late, to invite God into the question (What is actually going on here?) – because I think He knows more about it than I do.
I hate being flooded by overwhelming feelings. It feels (pun intended) very out-of-control. Something I'm not so fond of experiencing. Sometimes (and I wonder if this is often), I just need to ride out the day and know that in the morning, its like I'll have a clean slate emotionally. The issue will remain, but the overpowering emotion will have dissapated. This actually is not all that bad advice … it gives you time to cool down, to process, to ponder. Getting a bit of distance often helps give you a clear and healthy "what's next."
Yep.
BTW I suggest Netflix over the other options. The dough is too fattening and the texts can never be retracted. Since I have recently experienced the Tyranny … I think I am headed for some serious serial show watching …
by Miriam | Apr 18, 2014 | Uncategorized
I am writing this on Good Friday, on the heels of a worship service. Throughout much of the preceeding hour, I would say I was present, but not quite engaged. And then there was this moment; a moment where I was drawn in – and it felt close to holy, but not quite.
As we drove home, I was noticing the zillion cars on the road and I was thinking that this evening was completely devoid of meaning for about 99% of people out on the town. Days earlier, I had spoken to a Muslim in a completely different context – of course Christian holidays hold no reverence for someone from a differing faith; yet they hold their sacred days in equally high esteem.
I know quite a few people who connect with God more clearly in nature then they ever do in a building made by man. And then there are many who must be with a group of like-minded people, others who must be in solitude to feel like they can call forth that place where they meet with God.
So what makes something HOLY? Like with all capital letters?
Nothing definitive here, because I am not authoritative in any way …
but I think Holiness happens
when God shows up.
Because He is holy personified. And if this is the case, if we choose to invite Him into our daily moments, then even the simplest of things can become a place where our lives become worship. Taking care of my animals, washing the dishes, taking a shower … all can become places where I remove my shoes (especially for the showers!).
It is difficult for me to assign special significance to Good Friday and to Easter, (and feel free to call this heresy if you wish) because everyday feels like Good Friday and Easter to me. I believe as I get older, time holds less meaning for me. If God exists out of time (which I believe He does) – then Good Friday is NOW. As is Easter. As is the day of my birth and the day of my death.
But I digress …
Tomorrow, I will be fertilizing my yard with manure. I can either make that a stinky (pun intended) miserable job, or I can make it one where angels sing because of where my heart focuses its attention. Let's hope for the latter. : )
by Miriam | Apr 17, 2014 | Uncategorized
While driving in the middle of nowhere (literally – there were fields everywhere), quite a distance from my residence, I saw a small sign on a lean-to on a house : Harness Shop. Because I was not in a hurry and there there was an "open" sign and it felt wonderfully random, I stopped.
Here is where I met Earl, a man in his mid-eighties, with a cowboy hat and a warm smile. His "shop" (which really was a one car garage) smelled like leather, was full of every tool imaginable and had barely enough room for himself, let alone me. The walls were lined at the ceiling with photos of draft horses, some five wide, all in harnesses, all working. Earl showed me his latest creation that he had just finished -heavy, thick leather complete with silver spots, a 'yankee britchen' and breast collar black-as-night harness – it was a work of art. He told me tales of his youth when he would load up his trailer (outfitted with shower, kitchen, tools, etc) and travel through a five state loop, repairing harnesses and filling in as cowboy when needed. He spoke of a ranch in Montana that had over a million acres – where one could ride 40 miles a day and never see a fence.
This wonderful piece of living history seemed to enjoy my attentive listening … I was introduced to his team – 1/2 Belgian / 1/2 quarter horses -Buck & Bess. He showed me his barn, his sleigh, his hay mower – he still mows his own hay! We entered a cold tack room in the way back end of his barn, where another work harness hung – one he made years ago that is now too heavy for him to lift onto his horses. Then I got a tour of his new innovative steps that he built in his horses' stalls so that he can stand on those and place that harness by himself. ("I don't like it when people have to help me harness up my horses!")
Throughout his lifetime, Earl has done many things – carpentry, plumbing, welding. He referred to himself as a 'Jack-of-all-trades' – yet in the twilight of his years, what is he doing? Making high-end (astronomically expensive) harnesses for a lifestyle that he loves. And apparently, people come from all over to purchase them. I asked him how long it takes him to make a harness ? "Oh, lessee, I think I can knock one out in 'bout a week."
Eventually,feeling guilty for taking up so much of this man's time, (though he said, "I have more time than money!") I shook his hand and told him it had been a pleasure meeting him. I came away feeling almost buyant – wondering what I will be investing golden years in?
I hope it makes me as happy as his passion makes him.
by Miriam | Apr 16, 2014 | Uncategorized
There is a big difference between someone who is truly wanting to learn, grow, change, transform …
… And someone who is just going through the motions.
Which one are you?
How do you know?
Questions worth sitting with.
by Miriam | Apr 15, 2014 | Uncategorized
I texted someone, with the assumption that they understood that I was speaking to her, not her spouse. I was expressing empathy and said something to the effect of "It must be hard to be blamed for everything." (which on my end was a mistake, because no one every does everything always).
Five minutes later I received an angry e-mail from him denouncing me and saying why couldn't I give him the benefit of the doubt and he doesn't blame her for everything … yadda yadda. For like three screenfuls. Yes, for reasons beyond my grasp, she had forwarded my text to her husband.
I am ultimately responsible, because I sent the text. But people-where has discretion gone? Common sense? Or how about even just common decency? Or forethought.
Sigh. I have no words for this.
by Miriam | Apr 14, 2014 | Uncategorized
I interacted with someone recently who, to my face, was warm and seemingly helpful. This was in reference to a sizeable purchase that I was considering making from him. I was wavering, and so I invited another friend to help me with the decision. Inbetween viewing one and two, the owner did something to hide an important flaw. He might not have been caught, however, my friend got off work early and therefor arrived earlier than expected.
Found out.
The owner knew. My friend knew. I knew.
At that point, I got pretty disappointed in humanity. And, of course, I did not execute the sale.
I hate being suspicious; however, I feel like the general integrity of humanity has slipped significantly. I remember the other day having someone do something honorable and I felt shocked. And then saddened that I was shocked.
It's easy to criticise and find fault with this guy, yet, I myself have been guilty of subtle maneuverings to change the way things appear or even how I appear. It's easy to shade things so that you come off looking better or the accident or failure wasn't quite as bad as it seems. To make excuses. And so much harder to say "This is my fault; I am responsible." Especially if you are trying to sell something. Extol the virtues, downplay the faults.
So, I am choosing to not be too disappointed in this man – I get his position. But it propels me to strive for ever increasing integrity, because I didn't like how it felt to be on the receiving end of such selfishness.
