I met a super nice Pit Bull at PetSmart today. A beautiful, massive, solid tail-wagging dog. I gotta be honest though – his owner was cold, intimidating, and prickly. I honestly wondered how he came by such a nice dog, because he certainly wasn't role modeling it.
As Ceasar alludes to, It's pretty easy to assign fault to everyone else but yourself. And dogs aren't really the issue I'm talking about here.
Sometimes, others may be the problem, but you allow it to continue.
Taking responsibility for your choices and actions is the work of an adult; it takes huge effort, energy, and intentionality. Don't make excuses. Take ownership. Make changes.
When someone accelerates in a situation where they should stop (like at a stop sign), calamity is soon to follow.
This is true, whether for business, relationship, investments, and yes, even driving.
The question is, when the accident occurs, how cool-headed are you? Because you can make things a whole lot worse by unhelpfully engaging your emotions in places where you need a low heart rate.
While this is not always the case, I was very calm when the lady ran right through her stop sign and, though I slammed on my brakes, due to rain and speed, we spun into her anyway. My impact with her doughnutted her vehicle into another person, who was dutifully stopped at his stop sign.
All I can say is thank you for seatbelts, relatively low speed limits (30 mph), and a break in the rain. I'm thanking God that no one was injured (except the poor cars. I think one might have been pretty much totaled).
The woman spoke no English and my daughter (who is home for Spring Break) spoke 3-years-worth-of-learned-3-years-ago-gotten-quite-rusty-Spanish. So we verbally limped along until the police arrived.
I was surprised: When you are not agitated, you can have compassion for all parties involved, not just the inoccent ones. You can remember more accurately, and cross your T's and dot your i's. You can smile and give those who are frightened hugs and say, "It's okay, accidents happen."
Emotional Steadiness is not a fluke. It is something you practice. In all the places where you don't really need it. As in, when someone brings you a meal that is ill prepared. When someone doesn't let you merge in traffic. When your spouse says something rude to you. When a co-worker doesn't come through with their end of the job. When your kids are making messes or whining.
It's not that you let yourself be walked on; that is not what I am saying. But you work to remedy the situation with grace and dignity and respect for the other person, whether they deserve it or not. All this time, you are training your emotions to not pull on the leash. To not run away with you. To walk calmly beside you and let you be their master.
Then, in a time when all would expect you to be upset … voila. Serenity now.
I tell my kids all the time, "What you practice is what you become."
I guess I have been practicing, and how encouraging, to see when the chips were down, I liked the me that showed up. We'll see how that goes when I start dealing with the insurance companies! : )
When artists speak of perspective, they often couple the topic with the term "vanishing point" – this is the place where the object disappears on the horizion of the drawing or painting. The amazing thing about vanishing points is that they can be moved all over the page, depending on where the artist chooses to place the closest part of the object.
When you have conflict with someone, making decisions about if, when and how to address it reminds me of these perspective drawings. If you choose to confront the person while the issue is very close to you, it is possible to make it bigger than it really needs to be. If, however, you wait too long, you approach the vanishing point of the situation – where really, the issue has very little relevance to either them or you; it ceases to be on either of your horizions. Some conflicts can be let go, and really, it is ok. However, often, if things aren't resolved, the next disagreement or hurt will be compounded by the memory of the first. This is why often, you see others over-react. (If you have good self-assessment skills, then you recognize this in yourself).
So where, when, how? Quite the conundrum.
I like to imagine situations like these art exercises … usually, when in the middles of conflict of any emotional weight, I need to 'gain perspective'. This means I need a little distance from the occurence. If I can place myself half way between the foreground and the horizon, I have a good chance of being able to hold THEIR perspective as well. And to stay calm, aproach them with respect and a spirit of restoration.
So I have this desire to buy something. Now I am not being obtuse in my vagueness as some sort of writer's device. It's not that I have a specific something that I am wanting to purchase; I just want to buy something.
This lack of specificity is my first clue that all is not as it seems.
That, added to the fact that generally, I am not a go-out-and-spend-money-just-for-the-sake-of-spending-it kind of person, tips me off to asking : What is actually going on here?
After surfing several retail sites, while simultaneously doing a soul-check, I realize that I am frustrated and feeling devalued. I have been working hard, spending quite a bit of time and money and effort for the sake of a friend … yet, I feel like I am unseen and unappreciated. This has led to sadness, which then led to longings for chocolate consumption, and then, this latest compulsion to purchase something (which I am not going to do).
What I need to do instead, is have a conversation.
An aquaintance of mine has presented me with a life lesson:
When you interact with four different wise people who give you a solid plan, but you don't like it … and then you ask people who don't have their life together at all, but they tell you what you want to hear and then you listen to their advice and take action (to the ultimate detriment of yourself and those you love) …
Well, I don't have much to say about that.
A quote I see often in a library I frequent:
Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom: and with all thy getting get understanding.
May we learn from other's poor choices and not compound them with our own.
