by Miriam | Mar 21, 2014 | Uncategorized
I had a request from someone for something.
Now we are all taught the politeness rules: be generous. Give of your money or time or self if you can. If you can, you really should, you know.
Really?
I don't think necessarily so. Something I have found enormously helpful: If I have even the slightest internal twinge, I buy time by telling the other person something like, "Can I get back with you? I need to check my calendar." (Or with my family, etc,) Now really, I don't- what I actually need is just some time to do a gut check, to find out what my hesitation is.
It takes time to be able to decifer what the stomach angst is saying: Am I nervous? Insecure? Over-extended? Am I opening the door to someone else's chaos? Avoiding something I need to face head on? Do I want to do this?
The answers to these questions matter – because if I say no without knowing why, I risk a recurring pattern of selfishness and if I say yes without understanding, I risk boundary-less-ness and resentment and messes.
The more you practice this, the better you get at it. Me too.
I sat on the request for half a day. I knew actually as soon as I received it that I needed to say no. But I wanted to make sure and I also wanted to decline in a way that was well thought through and gracious. That 12 hours gave me both.
And I feel so good about it. Relieved that I didn't agree to something that could have become very disruptive and emotionally costly and secure in the knowledge that I made the correct choice for the right reason.
by Miriam | Mar 20, 2014 | Uncategorized
Today I saw numerous examples of fear:
-An acquaintance was trying to get me on his side, so he talked only about the other person, never taking any responsibility for his part in the issue. He didn't know I knew the whole story. I think he is afraid to see himself as he really is, so he tells the story in such a way that he thinks will make me look better upon him and he never has to face his own stuff either.
-I saw an abcess opened up on one of my pets and drained. There was blood and pus and smell and generalized yuck. What I noticed was how uneasy I became … The animal actually wasn't actually hurting – uncomfortable maybe, yet not acutely so; yet I was afraid he would become so and I got quite unsettled, because I wasn't sure I could manage his pain if it happened and I knew he couldn't understand we were hurting him for his good. I think I have issues with misunderstandings … I got upset enough that I cancelled something later in the day just because I didn't feel up to it.
-I saw someone afraid to be assertive, and so she got roped into a decision that she didn't want at all, mostly becasue she was unwilling to make the other person upset.
-I saw a young person (my son) terrified of his mom, because he got a pretty poor grade in math. And yet, he wasn't afraid enough to prevent it. Only so sad that it happend. And he will experience more fear as I take away his driving privileges!!
There is wise aprehension that helps us make decisions that keep us safe, and then their is avoidant fear that pushes us toward actions that make our lives smaller or more complicated. Really, in our day and age, mostly, we fall prey to the latter.
Push through it if you can, because something better is on the other side of that fear.
Confidence.
by Miriam | Mar 18, 2014 | Uncategorized
Today, someone vomited a list of problems that sounded somewhat like:
and then … and then … and then … and then… and then… By the end, she was so upset and really so overwhelmed, that she had no perspective and I really had no idea what her main issue was.
Then later I asked a young friend a simple question that could be answered really in a sentence or two and she went on and on … except that it sounded like and then like this and then like it was like and she said like …
I often hear about how no one in our culture knows how to listen anymore, but honestly, I am asking the question, "Does anyone know how to talk consicely ? Because it is hard to listen when people ramble like a free range chicken.
I think the average attention span is about three sentences.
Use them wisely.
by Miriam | Mar 17, 2014 | Uncategorized
New interesting book to read: Decisive: How to Make Better Choices in Life and Work; Chip Heath, Dan Heath
Ok. I have a confession to make. I never buy a book now without reading the first bit on Amazon – if you choose the Kindle version, they don't even skip pages. Anyway, I haven't actually read this book yet; I have only read the first few chapters!
How can you go wrong with a chapter title like this: The Four Villians of Decision Making
These brothers posit that we silly humans do some things that pre-dispose us to making poor decisions. Here they are:
1. Defining our choices too narrowly, to see them in binary terms. Should I write in my blog today, or not? versus "What would help me generate ideas?" or "What sort of things discourage me in reference to writing and how can I over come these?" Something that opens up the focus rather than constricting it.
2. Confirmation Bias. When we want something to be true (or false) we listen more intently to the information that confirms our desired stance. Yes, it's true and very well documented. No matter how impartial we think we are :(
3. Short term emotion really messes with our thinking. (DUH. I don't even have to explain that, because you all get it).
4. Overconfidence. People think they know more than they do about how the future will unfold. We have too much confidence in our own predictions.
Good stuff. Perhaps I will actually buy the whole book and see what they have to say!! : )
Now I think many of us either agonize prior to the decision, or experience post-decision trauma with second-guessing ourselves. But I have to say, during those rare moments when I am calm, informed, and then can make a good, sound choice with neither of the pre- or post- pain … it's good.
It feels really good. Like an Adult.
Funny, how we can be all manner of ages and still not feel grown up sometimes. : )
by Miriam | Mar 16, 2014 | Uncategorized
"The question is not what you look at, but what you see." Henry David Thoreau
I heard this quote spoken in reference to a stock market chart- their point : if you don't know how to interpret what you are seeing, you are going to make some poor decisions, based on faulty assumptions.
How many times have you incorrectly assumed another person's motive?
Or a co-worker's actions?
Or a child's intentions?
Can you withhold jugement (and also action) until you ask some important questions – one's that involve getting the other person's perspective.
Information is power.
I can honestly say that I have never regretted getting more information. Can you?
by Miriam | Mar 15, 2014 | Uncategorized
A quote from a TV show I am just now watching …
"To really be efficient, you have to cut out what doesn't work."
Last week we started pruning our apple tree (which required the purchase of a chain saw – YES! Been wanting to do that for three years!) This tree was quite overdue – last fall it produced a zillion small, bite-sized apples. I knew then that the poor tree was over-extended. It had way too many brances trying to produce. So last weekend we gave it a massive hair cut. We took out almost half it's growth … leaving some main branches in the front that we could reach from the ground. At the time, I was wondering about my own life. I recently made some drastic cuts in my schedule. And, while it hurt at the time, I also simultaeously felt relief. It needed to be done. And, I believe my efforts in the areas I kept will now be more distilled and overall, better.
What do you need to cut out that isn't working, or that is keeping you spread too thin?
