I was listening to a radio show about finance management today, in between errands as I ran around feverishly buying groceries for a University retreat that I am an advisor for that is happening this weekend.
The caller was explaining that they had just paid off $180, 000 of debt in two years. It was student loans, car loans, a 2nd mortgage on the house, some medical bills, credit card loans … at one point, these people finally got fed up with owing everyone and their dog. I think it was autonomy they desired.
So, they set their faces to the wind, and they got focused.
When the host asked them how they did it, the woman said, "You just have to get intentional about everything. It all has to be about the goal of freedom."
They have my admiration, because it cost them dearly to pay off that debt (pun intended).
But it it is not just finances that many of us are in bondage to. And, while it is somewhat easier to attain financial independence than emotional equality, (because money is so concrete – 'Are you in debt or aren't you?' That is a yes or no answer, where as, 'Are you relationally equal?' is much more difficult to quantify), still, emotional liberty is attainable and through the very same methods.
You just have to get intentional about everything. It all has to be about the goal of freedom.
I stopped in at my vet's to pick up some drugs for one of our animals and caught him in the middle of spaying a dog. I asked him if he ever thought about how many times he had done that, which led to a discussion of Malcolm Gladwell's idea of the 10,000 hours required for mastery of an activity.
This vet and I were having a lively conversation, all the while he retracted, cut, requested 3.0 silk and sewed on his patient, never missing a step. Because he has done hundreds of spays.
As I left the office, I was musing on the notion of proficiency. I always say to my children (much to their annoyance) that 'what you practice is what you become.' It is implied in Gladwell's writings that these are desired behaviors we are mastering.
So what if the activity is UNdesireable?
Think about it. I wonder if old people are set in their ways not so much because they can't change, but because they have done that particular action thousands of iterations and it is just rote now. It takes no effort for them to act in the patterned way, but enormous energy to do something different. Perhaps it is simply economy of effort.
So how often do we practice selfishness? Snapping at the other person and making excuses for it – those reasons might be true – you really might be exhausted or anxious or whatever. But you have now just put one more hash mark into your "number of times you have practiced poor conduct."
Insults. Abuse. Violence. Rudeness. Defensiveness. Closed Mindedness. Everytime you do something, you become just that much more masterful of that action and it's all the easier to pull off the next occasion you elect to do it.
It kind of makes you want to get more intentional about your everyday choices, doesn't it?
It is one of the hardest things EVER, to let go of hurt, a slight or betrayal.
I recently got a new children's picture book – Zen Shorts – something I do every couple of years. The rules [as there must be some – beautiful illustrations, it must be meaningful with multiple applications, and it is always a plus if it makes me cry when I first read it! 🙂 ]
The story is, in part, about two monks who traveling and came to a river crossing (they are depicted as mice) when this lady mouse comes by with several packages and she cannot get across. One monk graciously carries her and her parcels across, all the while she complained and insulted the one who served her. On the other shore he gently places her down and bids her good bye. Meanwhile, the friend, who is observing this, is boiling inside. He stews and fumes for hours, until at the end of their journey, he says, "I can't believe how awful and rude that person was! Why, she didn't even THANK you! How can you bear it?" To which the other mouse said, "I set her down long ago. Why have you continued to carry her all these hours?"
Busted.
How many times do we seethe over something that we could have chosen to just let go?
This goes back to yesterday’s post about STUFF. It's heavy. Learn how to let it go.
Forgiveness does not suggest that what the other person did to you was right. It has you relinquish your right to punish them for their wrongs against you. Forgiveness doesn't imply that you have to trust them again. It has you give up your right to punish them . . . It doesn't indicate you have to stay in relationship with them. It just … you know where I am going with this.
Forgiveness has you set them down so you don't let them ruin the rest of your day. Or your life.
Stuff is heavy. Your stuff, my stuff. There is HUGE freedom in letting go of STUFF.
Worries. Unforgiveness. Lies. The Quest for Control. Obsessions.
In short, if you have something weighing you down, find someone or something that can help you address it. You'll be amazed how much better you will feel. Tonight I watched someone become free by setting down a lie they were living. Freedome is worth everything.
The past week, I have been thinking a great deal about the organization and content of this Blog. Years ago in my earlier cancer updates, the structure was easy: write every day. As was the subject matter: write a current Miriam health status, and then let the words take me down whatever path they chose. Because I was so ill, I spent many hours resting in bed; consequently, my mind had so much room to roam around in and I never struggled for lack of topics. I wondered if it would be more difficult this time around – would I have enough to say? Would I have too many thoughts?
One of the things I like about Throw-back Thursdays on Facebook and Instagram is that the category alone helps you to narrow down what you might post.
I realize that in the few posts since I created this, I have so many divergent thoughts . . . I feel like if I follow the topics to their ends, each one could lead my writing toward a particular thing exclusively – something I want to avoid. Until I really develop my voice and understand what this is to be about, I want to keep all options open and keep very flexible topically.
So, what I decided to do, at least for a while, is to assign each day of the week a category. I would like one to be a review of the latest book I am reading. One, an essay on emotional health. Another on some aspect of spirituality. One, on curiosity. One on Art. I’ll evaluate after a month and will adjust as need be.
A physics rule I find interesting is that when you decrease the diameter of a pipe or hose, it increases the velocity of the flow, a la Bernoulli's principle. I am thinking that my configuration will reduce the diameter of possibilities, and I am hypothesizing that it will increase my creative energy. And, can I just say that I have waited my whole life to use Bernoulli in a sentence relevant to myself! : )
I believe this is the same for everyone. If you are stuck in your creative process, give yourself some limitations and see what happens. I bet by narrowing your field of choices, you will have a greater number of developed ideas come to you, and you will gain excitement and momentum for the project. Happy creating!
We all have little games that we engage in. I play one called “What time is it?”
I am pretty good at it, actually. Usually, upon asking myself this question, it is not uncommon for me to be accurate within about ten minutes. This morning I guessed 7:30; it was 7:29 and I have to admit that it gives me quirky pleasure when I am so close to being correct. Today I thought, “YES! You are good!”
So, while I would like to believe I have a tiny super power (I also have this gift with estimating prices) . . . the truth is that with the speculation of time, I believe I am paying attention to all sorts of clues. How insistent is my complaining bladder? How loud is my backache from laying in one position? (Oh the joys of aging). How light is it? (Taking into account the season and weather). How rowdy is my rumbling stomach, asking to be fed? These signals all add up to an educated guess. And, like I said, I’m pretty good at it. This is about volitionally noticing and then accepting what I am observing as viable information.
Other games we play are not so innocent, nor immaterial. Plenty of occasions find us opting not to notice. To not see.
Like when a spouse (or boyfriend/girlfriend) treats you with increasing disrespect and you make excuses for him/her so that you never have to come to the conclusion that there is something wrong with your relationship. Or when an aged animal gives increasing signs that the awful decision to permanently end their pain has arrived, and we minimize their condition, saying that this is just a bad day for them. Or when the financial picture is dire, and we keep telling ourselves that this has been a hard month and things will be different during the next. The subtle clues that indicate that you should fire this employee, but you smooth it over with all the reasons why they behaved the way they did. The small indicators you turn a blind eye to that point to your kid doing drugs, failing school, is seriously depressed, or has a learning disability.
These bits of information suggest how we could or should proceed: Get up, break up, find a new job, fire this person, solicit help for your child, euthanize your pet, hire a financial counselor, etc. Why, then, are we often so oblivious? Why are we shocked when the marriage dissolves or our child fails or the creditors call?
I think the reason we reside in a lack of awareness, is that often, we have no desire to deal with reality. Because this requires energy and courage and ultimately, the hardest factor of all: taking responsibility.
Consequently, we often elect not to see. It’s just so much easier to not know.
Yet, by overlooking truth, we surrender the control of our lives to these circumstances and they formulate the decisions for us. Life on autopilot eventually results in a crash –and sadly, sometimes, the damage is irretrievable or irreparable.
Today is a day that I am going to work on noticing, accepting what I observe, and implementing an appropriate action. Because, even though it is difficult, I believe operating in reality is significantly healthier and better than choosing (emphasis on that word) to live in denial.
